My life is comprised of random, humiliating moments.

I ate too much on Monday night.
I couldn't help it. I was upset. I got an A- on my psychology test instead of an A+ because I only studied for three hours, instead of four; I hate that class! I hate psychology. How am I supposed to understand or even care what is going on inside of some nutcase's head? Why are high school students expected to take a class that belongs in a college curriculum? I have enough to worry about in my stressful life, without worrying about things like Displacement Theory and the development of multiple identities. Studying for that class is like studying the guillotine that is to be present at my own execution. I'd really rather not.
When I got the test back, this horrible plummeting feeling took place in my stomach. I thought I was going to puke right there all over the desk in front of my entire fanclub. Somehow, I managed to smile and slip the test into my folder before anybody could see it. I managed to get through the rest of the day acting like everything was fine.
Inwardly, my mind was reeling. Akito's voice was in my head saying, "How could you have failed to remember the thirty-fourth line of that sonnet when we've already gone over it six times? You'll never develop completely if you can't recite poetry that actually means something." My mother's voice was saying, "Bad boy! No cookies until after dinner!" That fangirl's voice was saying, "You think you're better than everyone else, don't you?!" And strangely enough, the stupid cat's voice was in there too, saying, "You think you're so special, but you're really not."
I had to run to the bathroom and throw up everything I'd eaten for lunch. Then, I went home and had two helpings of Miss Honda's cooking--although I knew it would make me gain weight like crazy. I had the urge to puke again afterwards, but I tried not to give in to it because it feels too much like overdosing on painkillers--I'm not sure why.
I went to bed early--I was so depressed that I couldn't even concentrate on my homework, which would normally have been utterly fascinating; it was advanced microbiology, one of my favorite subjects.
And then, something happened that's never happened before: I woke up early. I'd had a nightmare I think--something about flunking out of school and disgracing my family and having all of my fangirls tell me I'm ugly and untalented. I woke up sweating, and tossing and turning, tangled up in my sheets. I sat up, trying to remember where the hell I was and why Akito wasn't in the bed next to me. And then the last two years of my life came crashing back into my memory, and I wanted to kill myself.
Even though I knew it was too late to get rid of the calories I'd consumed the night before, I went to the bathroom to throw up--pretending might make me feel better for a little while, I thought.
Nothing much came up, and as I was finishing the attempt, the cat banged on the door and I realized just how early it was. Predictably, he attacked me when I came out, and I hurried back to my room because I suddenly felt sicker than before and the idea of fighting him right then was inconceivable.
I tried to go back to sleep. But the thought that he'd heard me puking was keeping me awake. Why did he have to be there at that exact moment? It's not any of his bussiness what I do. I tried to tell myself I was just upset because he'd been nosy, but the truth is...he caught me at a bad moment. He caught me when I wasn't beautiful.
I don't know how to feel about that.
All I know is, I'm hoping the world will suddenly come to an end.