Worst fucking nightmare.

Dearest Yuki, I apologize for not replying to your gracious offer sooner. We were entirely aware of it, however it was most difficult to come to a consensus about what we ought to ask you. There is a significant conflict of interest in the club, we all want rather different bits of information. Some of the questions they insist upon asking are not appropriate, and if it were not for my duty to accede to the masses, I would not include them at all.

As is, there will be a special section for such questions, and you will not be required to answer them. However, I must warn you that if you do not satisfy their curiosity, some members may continue to scour your blog for clues. I certainly will not do so, and I will inform my club that they are banned, but it's not as if I set up surveillance equipment in their homes. If I had surveillance equipment, I certainly wouldn't waste it on them.

Here we go.

1) What is the most defining event in your life?
2) What is your favorite book, and why?
3) What sort of music do you listen to?
4) We are under the impression that you haven't always lived in the same place. What was your old home like? Why did you move? Which do you like better?
5) What is your favorite food?
6) Tell us a little about your medical history. (No specifics, we're not stalking you, we just heard you weren't especially healthy as a child, so we're curious as to what that was about.)
7) Can you honestly say that you don't resent Yuki Akamatsu for pouring chocolate milk on your head in middle school, or Rie Nishikawa for 'that terrible thing that she did that she will not speak of'? (I have no idea what she did, but I do remember hearing about an incident in which you were jumped and beaten by someone because his girlfriend told him to? This being before you acquired your skills in martial arts of course, no one could ever do that to you now...er. Please explain this further.)
8) Do you smoke, drink, or take drugs, or plan on doing any of these things when you enter college?
9) Where do you think you will go to college? What will you study? How will this tie into your plans for the future, and what are those, exactly?
10) Have you ever been in therapy?


Coming up are the sex-related questions, which as I stated above, you are under no obligation to answer. However, it may be in your best interest to do so. Please judge for yourself.

1) What do you like in a woman? What attracts you? (If you are, in fact, homosexual, please reply replacing 'woman' with 'man.')
2) Are you homosexual?
3) Are you a virgin? If not, how experienced are you? If so, why? (You could be having constant sex if you wanted to, so we know it's not a lack of opportunity.)
4) How often do you masturbate? (Daily? Weekly? More than once a day?)
5) Are you attracted to Miss Honda?
6) If you had to date/have sex with/kiss/marry/have babies with any members of the fan club, who would you choose, and for what reason?

That concludes our interview. I apologize for any questions that you find objectionable, especially the final section. Please answer quickly, the club is growing rather restless.

~Motoko Minegawa


I recieved this email from the president of my greatly-undesired fanclub several days ago. In response to the email, I contacted her personally and set a date for the club to meet on and discuss these issues in a one-time exclusive interview--May 1oth. That was yesterday.

I am still trying to recover.

Every single one of these questions left me thinking, "None of your business." They were all so personal--I should have expected nothing better from these shallow, aggressive females that have been obsessed with me for going on three years now (why is no one in this world capable of simply loving me? It always has to be obsession), but really how could I have prepared myself for a dissection so brutal? There are things I would rather not discuss with anyone--not with myself, not with God--if he even exists, or if anything does--and wouldn't you know it, every single one of those things that brings me to the verge of tears each time I think of it, those are all of the things these strange girls wanted to discuss with me. Oh. I'm sorry. Did I say discuss? How about interrogate? There we go, I can still tell the truth after yesterday. I didn't lose all of myself in that ridiculous facade.

The most defining event in my life? When Akito beat the shit out of me for the first time and I realized that the word LOVE is one that cannot ever, ever, under any circumstances be trusted. What I told them? The day I visited a sick kid in the hospital and realized that every single one of us has been put on this earth for a reason--to help others.

ha ha ha ha

My favorite book? I don't have one. I hate to read anything that isn't homework--I like homework. I like to read stuff that teaches me how to do new things sometimes, but given the choice, I'd choose gardening or sleeping over research any day. And on the days when I do feel like studying more, on top of my own and everybody else's work that I'm already doing, there has not yet been any one book that was so good that I'd call it my favorite. So...to make things simple, I hate to read. What I told them? Ayn Rand's Anthem, because of it's deep, philosophical studies of human nature.

Fuck human nature. It's human nature that gave me the scars up and down my back. It's Ayn Rand's precious sense of individuality that keeps me up every night screaming inside: Why me?

The lie sounded better, didn't it?

What sort of music do I listen to? I'll admit, I was stumped on that one. I wanted to give a really obscure answer so that I could please everyone--that just wasn't possible considering how many different girls there were in that room; they all listened to something different, and they were all waiting for me to say that I liked their kind of music so that they could feel that we had something in common. I don't have anything in common with them. I ended up telling them all that I liked all kinds of music, anything was okay with me, but if I had to choose a favorite genre I'd go with classical because it was so beautiful and peaceful and soothing. Truthfully? I can't stand classical music. That's all Akito ever listened to and I can't take the reminders.

The fourth question on their little questionarre had me reeling: We are under the impression that you haven't always lived at the same place. What was your old home like? Why did you move? Which do you like better?

Which do I like better indeed...Well, let's see girls, are you talking about my old home with my mother or my old home with Akito? Let me just sit you down and tell you all about my screwed- up childhood so you can ooh and ahh over me and feel sorry for me on the outside but secretly despise me for not being normal like you.

My old home with my mother, when she was never there--and when she was, would lock me in the closet or force me onto my brother, who didn't want me either, so that she didn't have to deal with me? My old home with my absent mother and my absent father, the former of which was always at some party or charity event, the latter of which was always away on business? The home where I was left repeatedly in the care of a boy who was too busy trying on our mother's lipstick and slutting himself out to the neighborhood boys to fix me something to eat when I was hungry? Oh yes, I have fond memories there.

Let's move on though and talk about the guardian after her, the one she sold me to. For money, for trinkets, for family heirlooms and ill-gained respect. The guardian that I loved more than my own life, my own sanity and happiness, who cooed over me and gave me hugs and kisses and presents, and all the attention I'd ever been missing--only to turn around a second later and beat me nearly to death for walking outside without his permission. The guardian that did countless numbers of unspeakable, unforgivable things to me that I will never, ever talk about to any living soul and that I should certainly not have to tell to any stupid smitten fangirl just to satisfy her fleeting fucking curiosity.

But what about the house I live in now? Where I'm treated mostly like a normal person, not some angel or worm or alien freak, but just a normal, unsoiled human being? Yeah, I'd say I like my current situation the best.

But of course that's none of their business and I wasn't about to open up and tell them all about it. I told them I'd lived with my parents up until a few months ago and am now living with my cousin while my old house is being renovated. Thank you Miss Honda, for that handy excuse. I like both living situations very well, I said, but of course I can't wait to go home.

My favorite food, they asked? "Pizza. Oh, definitely pizza. I am a glutton when it comes to pizza." Truthfully? I never touch that greasy, gooey stuff. I'd get so fat if I did! What is my real favorite food? Well, I love all sorts of fruit and vegetables. I'm also a big fan of any kind of cheese--which, unfortunately I can't eat anymore since I noticed it was making me gain weight like crazy. One day I had some cheese and some rice crackers for a snack--when I got on the scale the next day, I saw that I'd gained fourteen ounces--that's nearly a pound!

My medical history? Well, they already knew a little bit about that one. I just told them I'd had a minor case of asthma since I was a child, nothing to worry about. I didn't tell them about my frequent bouts of pneumonia, and all the time that I spent hooked up to a respirator because I couldn't breathe on my own because of various lung problems that I had. "Why did your doctor come in to school that one day if it wasn't a big deal then?" One smart, sneaky girl enquired. I smiled politely and told her that Hatori is a family doctor and he tends to worry over things that don't matter, and that he's also extremely anal about people missing appointments since it throws off his entire schedule. Which is the truth. He is anal, for those reasons and more. That's probably why he can't stand to be around Akito so much, who freaks out if you put red flowers in a red vase because "The color scheme is being disrespected!"

What the hell? Who respects a color scheme?!

Do I resent Akamatsu and Nishikawa for those terrible things they did to me? Of course I resent it! I think about it every day! Especially Rie Nishikawa, that lunatic...she had her boyfriend--whom she'd been planning to break up with anyway, except things didn't go according to plan--jump me after school one day (this was in elementary school! That freak was obsessed with me even back then!) because I refused, very politely I might add, to go out with her.

For the hundredth time she'd asked me! She finally decided to use persuasion of a different method, and boy do I remember that--I actually did have some martial arts training, even back in those days, although dancing was my main physical activity (ballet--I will never forgive Akito for that; my mother was bad enough with insisting that I take jazz and tap when I was freaking four years old) I got my ass kicked that day because I...laughably, I know...honestly thought that Akito had dragged himself out of bed that day and limped over to the school (he was going through chemo for one of his cancer bouts then) just to kick my ass for the fun of it...I knew I hadn't actually done anything to deserve it--hell, I'd given him a backrub the night before and spent hours cleaning our room to his satisfaction, finally earning the kisses I'd been craving.

So yeah, I had panicked and allowed myself to be beaten. So would anyone if they seriously thought that Akito was the one hitting them--I curled into a little ball on the pavement and let him kick the crap out of me, and finally figured out that it wasn't Akito because he wasn't telling me off for some stupid minor thing while he did it--when I looked up and saw Nishikawa's boyfriend standing there...well, I must have looked pretty pissed off 'cause he beat feet pretty quick.

Smoke, drink, take drugs...No! I'm not stupid. I told them as much. That one was easy.

Where will I go to college...I don't even remember what I told them. I rattled off the name of some prestigious school and said I wanted to be a doctor so that I could help save people like that poor little kid in the hospital who'd changed my life forever. Honestly? I have no clue, I'm still trying to get used to the sensation of freedom. It probably won't last for long.

Have I ever been in therapy? No, I said, truthfully. And I don't plan on being, either. First of all, I don't need it. Second of all, I don't want it. Why should I talk about what happened to me as a child? Talking is pointless, the only thing it can do is hurt you.

And now, on to the section that reeeally pissed me off. Really. There was almost blood. Good thing I was able to answer all of them at once quite easily. I told them I was asexual. Not interested in sex, not interested in dating, not with anyone, not ever. "Why?" The outcry was deafening. "It just doesn't sound like something I'd want to do. It doesn't interest me at all." I said. Of course that brought up a lot more invasive questions like, "Have you considered the fact that you might be gay and that you're just in denial?" and "Have you had your heart broken and sworn off love forever?" Oddly enough, that last one stung a little bit. Of course I told them "No, no. It's nothing like that. I just honestly don't see any appeal in being with anyone of either sex. I don't need it and I don't want it."

Then...there was this incredibly awkward moment where one of the fangirls--I can't remember her name right now, there are sooo many of them--flashed me. Just to see my reaction. That...was interesting. Really, for the half-second that I saw her breasts before tastefully covering my eyes, they were quite interesting--a lovely shape. Perky. I quickly realized that dwelling on it would call my asexual claim into question. Not that I wanted to have sex with her. Just study her, maybe. She was a fine female specimen. I found the idea of dissecting her very appealing. Maybe that was because I was angry with her, though.

Sex? What to say about sex? I hate sex. I hate the idea of sex. In my humble opinion, so much pleasure should not be allowed to exist inside of one single act with one person that most of the time is just...not right. So, maybe I'm not asexual by nature. Maybe I'm straight, or gay, or bi or something. I'm so screwed up at this point that I don't even know. But I am certainly asexual by choice. I never plan to have sex.

Ever.

They asked me a few other embarrassing, pointless questions. I was quite grateful by the time the interview was over. Really, they say that females are supposed to be the more dignified sex. There was so much perversion and mindless giggling in that room that I believe that theory may have to be called into question.

Right now, I am thinking about eating something but I don't really want to go downstairs because I don't want to see anyone. I hate people. To anyone who didn't know, I really, truly hate people and might possibly rejoice if I never saw another person ever again.

And to any fangirl that has decided to disrespect my very-clearly-stated wishes by still reading this blog after I sacrificed an hour of my life for that ridiculous interview, know this: I am so tired of caring what you think about me. I am so tired of going to school and having you and your shallow friends gossiping about how cute and smart and talented I am. You don't know me. Even if you read this entire entry that I've just posted, you do not know even a fraction of what there is to know about me, and no matter how much you read you never will. I don't like you because you're dishonest and you're going behind my back and doing what I so nicely asked you not to, and you don't deserve to be my classmate much less my girlfriend--not because I think I'm better than you, but because I think that you have demonstrated that you are incapable of using even the most basic of courtesies, by breaking your word and reading this blog.

That said, fuck you.